Girl, this piece of advice is for you whenever you are about to stain your white pillow covers with expensive mascara (all you ever do is waste money!):
- Drink endless bottles of red wine, cry into empty glasses over a lousy but emotional drama, spill wine all over your bed sheets.
- Log into all of your social media accounts just to check that no one has texted you anything for years. Scroll down into infinity trough news feeds of other people’s glorious and jolly lives, CRY MORE.
- Go to your own pages, look at pictures of some apparently good times in the PAST of when you felt life was worth living just because you were on holiday and not thinking about the mental breakdown after at the airport. Oh, CRY OF COURSE.
- Put the saddest song of that you can think of or even better, the one that reminds you of someone precious in your life who is NO LONGER there (how about the person who left you? Or the one that never liked you back because they didn’t even know you liked them in the first place?). SOB SOB SOB and wonder what the quickest and most painless suicide method is. Oh and most elegant one, because leaving this world in a pile of vomit is not very VOGUE like eh?!
- Google suicide methods just to find out that it is not that easy to leave this world without pain. YOU CAME TO IT WITH PAIN SO YOU THINK YOU CAN RUNAWAY WITHOUT IT? Stupid woman, why don’t you just cry because that is all you do.
- CRY because: you’re a woman, you’re weak, pathetic, you cannot achieve things on your own, you are either too ugly/too pretty/too smart/too dumb/too conservative therefore boring/too vulgar therefore a slut/you want your money but would like to get them delivered on a plate/how about you get a rich man so why are you ruining that expensive mascara that you bought to MAKE YOURSELF LOOK MORE DESIRED? Sadly, no one wants a whiny bitch but girl do you even know what YOU want?
- CRY because you don’t know. Cry because you want Miranda Kerr’s body and Kylie Jenner’s lips. Cry because you don’t have Kylie Jenner’s lips.
- Wake up the next day, wash all bedding, at least you are a woman, you know how to operate a washing machine! And a microwave!
- Watch a Youtube tutorial on how to get those Kylie lips (+ 100 other tutorials on how to achieve perfection in every other aspect of your being).
- Break down because YOU WILL NEVER BE AS BEAUTIFUL AS OTHER WOMEN ARE. NOR FAMOUS AND RICH WITH TOM HIDDLESTON AS YOUR BOYFRIEND.
- Repeat the steps above but don’t forget the newest copy of any women’s magazine. It is full of SOLID advice o how to find your true self.
- Good luck in finding it in those pages buried under an article of how to lose 10 pounds in 10 days (why not 10 hours? I swear we are striving for perfection here?!)