I like lists and I like them a lot. I guess that is because lists are the only things that I can manage to organise properly while everything else stays a hectic mess. It gives me some self-assurance that my focus and planning abilities are not totally extinct. Thus with this thought, here is one more list of things that I dislike about myself (not using the word hate because life is too short for hating, including yourself):
THINGS THAT I DISLIKE ABOUT MYSELF:
- Taking years to make important decisions. The typical scenario here: I make a decision, I seem satisfied with it and go to bed. I cannot fall asleep because I need to rethink it. I don’t sleep and start the next day with a burning question and no answers to it yet. Then this happens the next night and another one and goes on for another couple of weeks (or months!) more making me the most indecisive person ever.
- Not being able to accept the fact that things are going well. I just don’t seem to believe that happiness or such a thing exists. Also, everything seems like a big lie to me so when things go my way, it feels artificial and somehow threatening. As a result, I destroy it with my pessimism and overall cynical being because being a hopeful loser is somehow an easier existence to sail through than potentially achieving dreams and losing them. I know that this self-defense mechanism has been making me lose out on many things in life and trust me, it is not a comforting thought.
- Thinking that there is a point in life to reach when everything after becomes ‘happily ever after’. I realise there isn’t one and that life is an ongoing struggle and discovery and that is probably the beauty of it. Yet, I can still somehow stop this thinking!
- Thinking that other people are happier than me. Especially if the have the things I want such as interesting lifestyles, jobs that are done for the sake of passion and not just money, never-ending travel experiences, beautiful clothes, fame and friends. I guess they also have a ton of other experiences that make their lives miserable enough. Also how do you measure that one’s happiness is bigger than the other one’s sadness?
- Being lazy. Oh this one.. It is an obvious reason why I don’t have all the things that I have mentioned in the post above. A good reality check and a definite slap in the face. I can carry on dreaming forever.. When I sleep through my days off work while doing the job I don’t particularly like with money that is not enough to buy the lifestyle or things that I want and I think I deserve. And years pass by and I will find myself trying to make important decisions and I will end up at the nr. 1 entry of the list for months and you see how this becomes a vicious cycle that is hard to escape from.
Old habits die hard. Though I hope (and hope is the keyword justifying existence) that they eventually die. And very soon because I forgot to mention that I am also very impatient. I want everything and now!!! Sigh.. oh dear…what a combination to have for one individual..